I’ve had a busy month. The good kind of busy – working on my own self-care, making plans with friends, reading books, doing photo shoots. But the word “busy” has become a word that I loathe. If you Google “The Glorification of Busy” you will find countless articles, so I’m glad that at least I’m not alone in this. It came to a point where I’d have to fight the rolling of my eyes when I heard it from someone else. Even my own employee was telling me he was just “busy” when I asked him how things were going, even though what I was really asking him how he was doing. And yet – he could never give details on what made him soooo busy. In reality it was just a front. A badge with no merit.
I feel the use of the word has slowed, and I don’t hear it quite as often. The main place I hear the word tends to be in the workplace and sometimes makes me feel guilty if I’m not busy when someone else is. I also know that my job can get busy, then it can get slow. That’s just reality. But to use the word as an over-arching reason to make excuses for not getting together with friends or cancelling plans or just to continue your self-glorifying rant about why you’re not available – I don’t want to be friends with you.
When you make time for people, they feel like you care, and will most likely do the same for you. When you push and reschedule plans, don’t respond or make lame excuses, they will do the same to you. Everything in life seems to be a give and take, even in the closest of relationships. But getting to a point where you or someone else wants to give your time willingly without being asked, is gold. It’s those moments where someone who might be dealing with depression feel like life matters, because someone cared enough to reach out with a hello, how are you? or try to plan something or bring them a little gift even if it’s been a while since they’ve done something for you. It’s important to give yourself care, but when you feel in the right state of mind, give that care to others. Replace “busy” with being “kind”. It’s a different kind of busy. Busy is just too broad and unspecific, it’s just a filler.
So, how is life? I hope you’re finding time to do nothing.
This month has been full of female empowerment for me. From the continuous connection with my cousin who moved to LA last year, reading a book called “Cunt”, seeing many of my girlfriends over a short period of time, watching a full Blood Wolf moon rise and participating in the Women’s March in LA, I feel that while it might just be coincidence – I feel I had a part in manifesting my female connections.
“The moon has consistently proven herself to be every woman’s ally since the beginning of time. The moon renders fearful illusions of social conditioning petty riffraff that gets in the way of a cuntlovin’ lady’s life. The moon fucken rules.” (Excerpt from the book “Cunt” by Inga Muscio)
This book ignited a spark in me and I’m determined to finish it this month. This book told me to get a lunar calendar, so I did. This book told me to pay attention to the moon, so I will. The moon is quite powerful and it affects the oceans and us women and our ovulation. This in itself is quite the revelation when you put it all together. To think of the all the things that suppress a woman’s power between her legs is simply maddening. And I succumbed to that suppression for most of my life. I was fooled. I will be giving this book to my own daughter to read when the time comes. Fuck it – if I have a son, he will get it too.
For the last few months, I have felt isolated and alone. This month, I feel nourished with friendships and the power of vulnerability. I opened up to my female friends about going to therapy and my horoscope findings – understanding my moon and rising signs, not just the sun sign. It dives deeper into who we are and clears up the questions that remained for me when it was left at the sun sign. I plan to learn more about myself and others as the year goes on. And in Numerology, I’m in my eighth year. Turning tides… so much to learn.
Another feeling of empowerment for me, was to make a stand with my photography. I’m stepping back from taking paid jobs – for parties, specifically. The general anxiety I get is too much to bear, and I feel like herded cattle – being told where to go and what to do. I don’t like it, so I’m not going to do it. I’m lucky I have this choice, but it was the best choice for me, until I figure out what I’m going to do next.
So here’s to becoming friends with the moon, the celestial body – and to me and manifesting my destiny through it and with it.
P.S. As I wrote this post, I kept hearing songs about the moon….
As I sit here on a Wednesday evening, eating a Babybel, drinking chardonnay and listening to the Stones on 95.5 KLOS (I Can’t Get No (Satisfaction)) on a rainy afternoon in Orange County, I realize I’m settling into January 2019 quite nicely. Currently reaping in the satisfaction, I must admit. This is a far cry from the desolate, lonely winter I seeped into in the last few months.
But I don’t want to go there, because it’s where I always eventually end up, so I’ll just embrace the #sparkjoy I’m feeling right now and go with it. Perhaps it’s the rain that has been consistently falling since the weekend (that’s over four days now), or perhaps it’s because we’ve cooked dinner three days in a row (thanks to Blue Apron), or perhaps – it’s because I’m finally getting better after being sick since New Years (thanks, Christmas shenanigans). I could throw little perhapples all over the place, which I suppose is like counting blessings, so whatever you want to call it – I’ve found myself in a good place. THE good place. Which can be deceiving, but nonetheless I’LL TAKE IT.
It’s a new year, and I feel like this rain is just another chance to really wash all the crap away to reveal a new world, a new me. It’s so refreshing to feel the sprinkles on my face and remember the essence of dampness – a common state when you’re from the Pacific Northwest, like me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll get tired of this soon and will summon the sun, but for now – it’s pretty much heaven.
Things I’ve done to help kick off the year to a good start: -I started a Bullet Journal -I started going to Therapy -Eddie and I watched “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” on Netflix -I’ve spent time with dear friends and sweet souls who embrace me and my art as they are, and I’ve opened up to them in ways I never have before -I’ve made a decision about my photography and am backing off from jobs that are “just for pay” and focusing on exactly what I want to do with my photography -I’ve been more mindful of my relationship with Eddie and also opened up parts of myself that I’ve neglected to tell him since we’ve been together -I bought new workout pants that inspire me to WERK it -I’m taking more photos of myself to challenge my photography and myself (to face myself for who I am, even if I don’t currently like how I look) -I’m approaching my everyday job with a more positive mindset and trying to avoid those who bring me down -I mapped out a plan for blogging to hopefully avoid the spew of a shame spiral and focus on more positive subjects, including pre-planned topics -I plan to write more Thank You notes this year
So on that note, and with my belly full of a Pappardelle dinner and an episode of Beverly Hills 90210, I head to bed to finish this Wednesday with a feeling of accomplishment and positiveness and in the back of my mind – just hoping this feeling will last for a bit.
I live in a place called Meredith Manors. It’s been around since the 1960’s. It has these large, grand doors with ornate handles. The knob is a daisy and the side windows remind me of church. It’s a delicious little piece of paradise in a busy, little city in Orange County.
These doors will be going away soon, and the manor will be modernized. This makes me a little sad to know, but also excited for the future. The manors needed a face lift, although I will truly miss the doorknobs. The new doors will give me a new photography background, a new perspective. I’ll always have the memories of many photo shoots in front of these doors and imagining that I’m a different place.
This dress fit in perfectly and I’m pleasantly surprised how well the dress fit me. Now that I’m married and the wedding craziness is over, I was itching to get back to photography. One of the hardest things for me is wanting to photograph people, but there’s never anyone around to photograph. Meaning, there’s not someone around every few days to fulfill my photography wants and desires. So I’ve decided to really pursue my self confidence and struggle with having my entire body photographed and embrace it. Find something to like. I know the camera, I know my good angles, I just have to work a little bit harder to get the shot.
I’ve had some really successful self-portrait sessions and I’m proud of myself! I’ve actually got some looks on file, although I’ll want to post them every day, now that I’ve also just given my blog another kick-start.
Fashion blogger? Not sure about that yet. Self confidence includes finding clothes that make you feel good, and hopefully that translates through the camera. I’m very aware of my flaws, and you probably won’t catch me in a dress anytime soon in public, so this is the best I can do. If I can post it, then I feel confident in it. I’ll continue to work on the parts I’m not so confident about and maybe someday I’ll be able to sport certain styles like a crop top and high waisted pants (a dream, really), but for now I just have to do what works.
Meet Rahlala – just a girl who’s always liked fashion but was always afraid to show it. Fuck, I like pink a lot after all. 🙂
A day free of people.
A day free of timelines.
A day to sleep in.
A day to take a walk.
A day to grocery shop.
A day to get coffee.
A day to enjoy the fresh air and sunlight.
A day to write.
A day to create.
A day with a clear mind.
See that –> white space ————————>
It’s Monday, so the gardeners are here. Fresh cut grass fills the air, and, while the mowers are blaring I have KJazz on, and I am here. In my own space. My own white space. I get this maybe once a week, if I don’t screw it up the night before.
Today is also an important holiday. So many things have been happening in our country that make the holiday this year that more impactful. Every year I find myself in solitude on this day. The present political situation has us thinking more about civil rights than ever, and not just on this day. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a voice for so many people and continues to be today.
I didn’t mean to title this post with “White Space” to be an ironic metaphor in some way to the present holiday. It’s actually an interesting coincidence, as I literally meant it to be about white space creatively (you’ll know if you read the link). But today is not just about one color. It’s about equality of all humans, regardless of race or gender. So that white space is actually meant to be in color – it’s meant to be not be white. White clothes, white bedsheets, white clothes, even white skin – does not stay white forever. And America was never white to begin with.
Anywho. I hope you’re enjoying your Monday, whether you have it off or not. Just take a moment to remember this guy and be proud of how far we’ve come (yet still have far to go).
I’ll leave you with some of my own personal white space (we don’t have much, and thank goodness I dusted recently!).